Social Media Hermit

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Dear Hoopers,
I’ve been dating a guy for over a year now and things are just fine in every aspect of the relationship except for one. He is kind of an introvert and a very reserved person, which I have no problem with, however, sometimes I feel like he is hiding me from the world. He doesn’t like it when I post about him on social media, and has even made me take down stuff, mostly pictures. Even If I post hints of me being around him (like posting shots of his pets), he gets mad. As far as his household goes, it’s a different story. He introduced me to his folks and I hang out at their place at least 3 times a week and we go out all together and stuff like that.

It’s the “social” part that bums me out because I feel as if he was hiding me from his friends, most of whom I do know and have met, but he never really introduced me to them as his girlfriend. He doesn’t share a lot of himself on social media and it’s not that I need any sort of internet approval to feel like he is committed to me but I don’t think any of his social circle truly knows for sure that we’re dating and I feel so left out. He occasionally hangs out with his friends and they do take their boyfriends/girlfriends out with them because he has told me so. I haven’t said a word to him on this topic because it’s probably dumb to fight over, so your thoughts and words will be really helpful.
-Social Media Hermit

Dear Social Media Hermit,
In your heart you wish he would post a picture, or change his title and announce to the world, we’re dating! But that’s not the case and you may have been asking yourself should facebook status validate status in real life?

Social media means different things for different people. Trying to date someone can be complicated enough, even without throwing our social media accounts into the game. Just because you aren’t Facebook “official” doesn’t mean that you aren’t official in his life. You know you are dating. He knows you are dating. Your friends know that you are dating. And he’s certainly not hiding you from his family. To me, you are raising irrational red flags.  

If it’s bothering you then it’s important to have this conversation.


Have you talked to him about why he is uncomfortable with you publically acknowledging the relationship on Facebook? If it’s bothering you then it’s important to have this conversation. The way you’ve described his social media usage makes it appear he is generally uncomfortable with over-sharing information and pictures.

If this is the only part of the relationship that is bothering you, then I think you’re doing okay. Have a genuine conversation with your boyfriend on how this makes you feel and listen to his perspective. And remember, Facebook doesn’t write the rules for your relationship and dating. You do.

Dear Social Media Hermit,
These days the online aspects are our lives are so important that it is a little hard to understand someone who is hesitant to share or have someone else share about them on social media. There is some aspect of this that feels like he is trying to keep this relationship off the record and away from people. This is concerning if it’s true.

However, he did introduce you to his family and you’re spending lots of time with them. Often the family introduction is one of the last things to happen, and that hasn’t been an issue for you. Also, it doesn’t seem as though he is just trying to keep your relationship private. He seems to have a more general desire for privacy in his life. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with your relationship or with him, this just seems to be his personality style. If this is the case, he may never personally embrace social media but he could allow you more freedom in your social media expression.

He may never personally embrace social media but he could allow you more freedom in your social media expression.

-Dr. Ryan

Express to him the enjoyment and engagement that you experience when you share on social media. Ask him to share his genuine concerns about it, which are likely related to not letting others know his business. Work on understanding his concerns while also letting him know that you wouldn’t just put anything and everything out there. Communicate to him that you understand that he doesn’t have this same experience but that this is an important part of your life and that you would like to share more of your relationship with others.
-Dr. Ryan