I’m a man in my early 40s. I can’t even tell you how many dates I’ve gone on in my lifetime. And I’ve dated some pretty special women too. Some I thought about marrying, many that I didn’t. No matter the situation, I could never bring myself to staying with them. It’s not that there was anything particularly wrong with them, I just can’t seem to maintain an interest. It seems like the less committed I am to staying with a woman the more likely she is to sleep with me. Unfortunately, I lose any excitement or interest in them as soon as I sleep with them. It’s not that I want to necessarily be alone or be without a wife/girlfriend for the rest of my life but I can’t seem to stay interested past the first sleep over. Any suggestions?
Dear Eternal Bachelor,
You have been playing quite the game of serial dating. If you are prepared to enter a committed relationship then you are going to have to break the pattern that you have been repeating. Just because you’ve decided you don’t want to be an eternal bachelor, doesn’t mean that all of your relational patterns go away.
Evolutionary psychologists found that the more sexual partners a man has had, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after the first time he’s had intercourse with her. Can you relate to this?
…if sex is typically the determining factor of losing interest in a woman, see how the relationship evolves without it being a factor.
Why don’t you put a twist on the game. When you start finding yourself becoming attracted to a woman, don’t have sex. This is going against your consecutive dating norms, but if sex is typically the determining factor of losing interest in a woman, see how the relationship evolves without it being a factor. Get to know her. Break your pattern.
All said, you have to make the decision to want to settle down. Marriage isn’t for everyone, nor is long-term commitment. But, if you want to be in a long term relationship, you can be. It’s just going to mean breaking your relationship patterns.
Dear Eternal Bachelor,
I’m having a hard time figuring out how you really feel about this. Are you truly frustrated or just bragging about your romantic prowess? If your mind is set on sleeping with as many women as possible it sounds like you have accomplished your goal.
If you have a different goal, it may be important to take a step back for a while to see what part you played. The only consistent factor in all of these relationships is you and at some point, you will need to figure out what you really want for your future. If you truly desire being in a committed relationship, then you will have to take responsibility for your role in these relationships. If you want something different you will have to do something different.
Several ideas come to mind. I would encourage you to start with evaluating your expectations from your dating partners. If you always have sex in mind, it may be worth slowing down on sleeping together to see if this is someone that you would want to be with after the clothes come off.
If you truly desire being in a committed relationship, then you will have to take responsibility for your role in these relationships
Maybe consider trying different locations for finding potential dating partners. If Tinder is your go to for Friday night, consider putting the right swipe to rest for a while. Maybe change up your date night location. If you typically go for boozy dinners then consider switching it up for a sober, brightly lit outing.
Lastly, if you are feeling disinterested in someone, please feel free to call it quits. I think everyone involved would be better off in the long run and no one needs to be unnecessarily led on.