Trapped in Lover’s Lane

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Dear Hoopers,
There’s a woman that goes to my college, and after being grilled (by her friends no less) about whether or not I liked her, I’ve actually started to develop feelings for her. Unfortunately, during the aforementioned grilling, she said that she was asexual. I’m not sure if she was saying that just as a front, and I just can’t ask her that, as I’d come off as weird. How should I go about telling her how I feel without putting our budding friendship at risk?
-Trapped in Lover’s Lane

Dear Trapped in Lover’s Lane,
If you have a budding friendship, keep it going! It sounds like you are still trying to figure out your feelings towards her as well, so simmer down and get to know her before overanalyzing the situation and jumping to conclusions.

She may be asexual, or she may have just thrown out a random answer because she was put on the spot and under pressure. Give yourself time to get to know her and investigate the situation better. If you find you continue to be romantically attracted to her, then take a chance and ask her out.  Who knows, it may be mutual. Or, maybe she is asexual.  If that’s a confusing concept, I encourage you read up on how asexuality is defined. I recommend a popular and scholarly examination on asexuality in The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality or a quick read on 5 Ways to Better Understand Asexuality.


Regardless of how the relationship continues, you are still left with a friend

-Kate

Regardless of how the relationship continues, you are still left with a friend. That’s not a bad deal, right? Take a step back and take it slow. In reflection, I bet you’ll learn more about yourself along the way.
-Kate

 

Dear Trapped in Lover’s Lane,
There had to have been some catalyst for her friends to approach you about this and the only two options that come to mind is that either she was interested or they detected that you were interested. My guess is that she expressed something about being interested in you and that led to the grilling that you experienced.

I am curious if you truly only started developing feelings for her during this discussion or if they were already there? Perhaps you have a tendency not to allow yourself to consider a relationship until you know that they are interested. There is probably some protective element to this approach, but also know that there will come a time when you will need to be more proactive in your approach to relationships.


Perhaps you have a tendency not to allow yourself to consider a relationship until you know that they are interested.

-Dr. Ryan

I believe that her comment about being asexual could be a way to protect herself. Since everyone in the conversation was trying to figure out your feelings for her, this statement took the pressure off for a little while. However, I also suggest that you don’t take her statement lightly. You had the right idea about asking her, but the key is in how you ask.

I would keep it simple by bringing up the conversation and mentioning the comment she made. Ask her what she meant and see where she goes from there. If she asks why you’re curious, I think it’s your chance to tell her how you really feel. This may feel scary but all good things take risk.
-Dr. Ryan

lovers lane quote