To Crush or Not

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Dear Hoopers,
At the beginning of this year I had developed feelings for a boy in my class and it sent me on this emotional roller coaster of happiness, sadness and jealousy. I’d always struggled to build a friendship with him being my own fault for being awkward around him but we have formed a pretty good one overall. During the year I had made a new friend in one of my classes and we became close quickly. At this point I had grown tired of my crush and I going nowhere and wanted to just get over him, so when my new friend asked me out I said yes. I know it was dumb and unfair of me to do at the time. Me and my friend dated for a short time and I had developed feelings for him quickly and I found myself forgetting about my crush. This didn’t last long before I felt my past feelings coming back and I was stuck. I ended breaking up with my friend because it had been unfair for me to continue a relationship which I wasn’t fully devoted to.

Now me and my ex have become friends again (we weren’t talking) and I miss us being together but I can’t help but like the other guy. My ex is perfect personality wise but I’m not particularly fond of his friends and there are small things about him that I wish I could change. My crush is almost perfect although he can be a bit boring but I don’t know if that’s just cause we’re not close enough yet. My crush is also kind of a “f*ckboy” as well. He acts similar with all girls so it’s hard to know how he feels etc. I’m so confused and I just need a little help please.
-To Crush or Not

Dear To Crush or Not,
As Molly Ringwald’s father says in Sixteen Candles, “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.” You are dealing with all of the bittersweet sensations of an emotionally mixed-up heart. Juggling a love triangle of feelings is never easy.

Let’s talk a little more about Ex-Boyfriend and Crush Boy. Have you identified what characteristics you find most attractive in Crush Boy? And what qualities make up the “perfect personality” of Ex-Boyfriend? It’s important to consider how each guy makes you feel, as well as how they feel about you.

Juggling a love triangle of feelings is never easy. 


There is always thrill in the chase. Let’s face it, playing hard to get can be attractive; frustrating, but thrilling. Many guys and girls, men and women, like the competition. Are you caught up in a game? If Crush Boy expressed interest in a relationship beyond friendship, would you remain interested? Continue being friends with both and realize there is no need to jump into anything, especially coming out of a recent breakup. My advice to you is to step back and trust your gut.

Dear To Crush or Not,
Crushes are fun. They are exciting. They are interesting. They hardly ever last. There is something different in the way that you feel about a crush. Perhaps they are mysterious or have an edge to them that helps to create that excitement. It’s that difference which might also make a long-term future relationship unrealistic.

However, I think this is something you need to find out for yourself. Sometimes these relationships work and sometimes they don’t. But it’s through testing out these exciting and awkward feelings that help you develop an internal compass for relationships to help you determine what will work and not work for you. If you want to give the relationship with him a try, give it a shot. Just be careful with the “****boys”.  

Unless you’re confident that he’s the one, the friend zone is a fine place to be.

-Dr. Ryan

Regarding your guy friend and ex-boyfriend, it sounds like you knew that the decision to date him was a mistake at the time. You knew you weren’t quite ready for the relationship, which led to a break-up and some distance. Now that you guys are talking again, I would encourage you to be patient before considering dating again. Unless you’re confident that he’s the one, the friend zone is a fine place to be.
-Dr. Ryan