Struggling to Trust

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Dear Hoopers,
Every relationship I’ve had so far I have been cheated on. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for three months and I fell completely in love. He’s the most attractive guy I’ve ever met and our connection in bed is unreal. The trouble is that he’s a huge flirt. He messages girls all of the time saying that they are his friends- but I know many are ex hook ups- and I can’t understand why he needs to talk to them. He works away so I don’t see him much. He rang the other day to tell me he’d been to a brothel but that he hasn’t done anything. I don’t know if I believe it. There’s a group of girls that like and comment on everything he does on social media. I find myself not feeling enough and doubting myself. Whenever I try to talk about it to him he doesn’t take me on, and Doesn’t offer much reassurance. I’m terrified of losing him but my constant doubting will not help. What do I do?
-Struggling to Trust

Dear Struggling to Trust,
When unfaithful relationships become a vicious cycle it is certainly understandable that you will be struggling with trust.  Messaging ex hook ups and going to strip clubs aren’t top of chart qualities for most. And while your history may make this hard to believe, there really are good guys out there. You just aren’t picking them.

If the guys you date are repeating the same behaviors, it’s time to stop picking guys who repeat the same behaviors. It sounds simple, but you’ve become disciplined into falling for the usual suspects. Maybe it’s the way they act, the way they look, or their charming confidence. If you are attracted to a player and pursue a player, guess what you get? A player. Would you agree that it’s not working?

I’m not sold on the guy you are dating, because you aren’t.


I’m not sold on the guy you are dating, because you aren’t. You are certainly more committed to the relationship. Why are so many other ladies involved in his life? Why is he messaging past hook ups? It’s shady, and the way it is making you feel isn’t healthy. You can play this one out, but with all things considered I am not convinced his actions will change.

I encourage you to test the waters.  Try dating someone that doesn’t fit your type. It may be a process of elimination, but sometimes it’s just as important to experience a few Mr. Wrongs, to eventually arrive at Mr. Right.

Dear Struggling to Trust,
If there is anything you need to trust right now it is yourself. I hate to say it but almost everything you’re describing about your guy sounds untrustworthy. If you are looking for a fantastic few dates together, a fun night out on the town, or an electric night in bed, he sounds like the right guy.

If you are looking for a dedicated partner, or even just a guy that won’t cheat on you, he is a risky pick. Not only is he visiting a strip club but it sounds like he has a clan of women following his every move on social media. He’s a flirt, a player, an f###-boy. The first question for you is what do you want? Are you good with a boyfriend that gets around? If not, it’s time to protect yourself.

The bigger question for you is what do you want to do about your future relationships?

-Dr. Ryan

The bigger question for you is what do you want to do about your future relationships? What’s happened in the past is in the past, you can’t change it. However, you have a self-described problem in ending up with cheaters. That could be total bad luck and have nothing to do with you. However, if you find yourself attracted to untrustworthy guys, then your attraction radar could be the problem.
-Dr. Ryan