Sleeping with my Sexually Confused Coworker

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Dear Hoopers,
I had to go on a work trip with a colleague, and at our company its policy to share hotel rooms. After letting him handle the check-in, I noticed a king bed in our room. He’s divorced with kids and I’m gay with a boyfriend. We get on quite well at work even though he’s quite macho and into sports and cars, while I’m more into film and arts. He’s remarked a few times that he thinks I’m good looking but I never really react because I thought he was making a joke. He’s also a major player and that’s why he’s divorced. But when we got ready to sleep he got into bed just wearing a t shirt and nothing more. The next morning he walked around our room naked from the waist down until we had to leave and he had morning wood. The third night we went to dinner and his behavior was different. He constantly filled my glass and I had the feeling that we were on a date and he was treating me like a woman. This was confirmed when he made a pass, we had sex (safe sex) and it was his first time. As well as having sex we became more intimate emotionally that night.

The next morning he was really embarrassed. That evening he was out all night and the last night he was back in our room but he had massive and new boxer shorts on. After this trip, he immediately took up with a young woman who he is now dating. We’ve hooked up a couple of times since but it’s strange because he’s so conflicted. He did tell me that he’d chosen the life he wants to have, but he will come to my office and invite me to his house or even on trips before backing out later. He has even texted me to ask if I’d go on a trip with him but when I asked him about it he acted like another person sent it. He asked me out to lunch, during which we had a good conversation and he told me his girlfriend and him were getting serious but at the end when I said bye, he actually started physically shaking. I had to tell him we could do lunch again so he would calm down. Is he always going to be like this?
-Sleeping with my Sexually Confused Coworker  

 Dear Sleeping with my Sexually Confused Coworker,
Wowza. What a rollercoaster! First the king sized bed, then sex, and now the cold shoulder. Conflicted, confused, curious? I’m sure this is only a sip of what you had poured on you over the last few weeks with this guy.

Let’s dissect this a little bit. Sexual orientation isn’t linear. You know this as a gay man. Lesbian, Gay, Straight, Bisexual, Asexual, Transgender– we’re a crayon box; some bright, some grey and some in the spectrum somewhere between heterosexual to homosexual. With that said, it is obvious that his lack of focus and sexual confusion is bothering you because you are on the receiving end, figuratively and maybe literally speaking (props on using safe sex).  Okay Okay…  

If you want the truth, you’re a hotline bling booty call.


Where do you fit in? If you want the truth, you’re a hotline bling booty call. You’re available when he needs you and still available when he doesn’t. Ugh. Emotions and emotions wrapped up in sexual attraction can be hard to decipher, but you have control in this just as much as he does. Extend an invitation to meet on your terms and discuss the situation.  He may be looking for you to tell him what YOU want. Do you know what that is? Take time to think it over.

Dear Sleeping with my Sexually Confused Coworker,
There you were just trying to make it through another out of town work trip, until your colleague set his sights on you. At first it was walking around your hotel room nude, but next thing you know he’s heavy pouring glasses of wine for you and making passes. It seems like you were surprised at first but have since been open to his advances. Since that first time things have gotten a bit more conflicted, as he has been in seek and then retreat mode. His confliction has left you confused about what this means for you and your relationship with him.

You mentioned that you knew from the beginning that he was a player. Regardless of his sexual orientation, his promiscuity would likely always leave you in a place of uncertainty and doubt. However his confliction is likely a major contributor to your relationship dynamics and will continue to be into the future. Sexuality is best considered to be individually defined and as existing on a spectrum. A recent national survey found that more than 6% of men between the ages of 18-44 have engaged in same-sex activity during their lifetime. Of those engaging in same-sex activity, almost 3% identify as heterosexual. It sounds as though your co-worker is attempting to work through his sexuality, of which you became part of the process.

How you proceed from here is up to you but know that it will likely take time, could be confusing, and may end up in disappointment.

-Dr. Ryan

How you proceed from here is up to you but know that it will likely take time, could be confusing, and may end up in disappointment. While this can also be true about any dating partner, it appears that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment with this guy. Depending on where you are at in your life you may be up for the challenges of this relationship, but I would encourage you to focus on what’s best for your future.
-Dr. Ryan

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