Short Sighted Girlfriend

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Dear Hoopers,
I am in my early 30’s and in a relationship with a mid-20’s young lady. We have been together for a little more than 2 years and are maintaining a long-distance relationship. We love each other and things are going well now, however, she has an issue with planning for the future. I am certain I want to be with her and marry her someday but she doesn’t want to promise me anything. She’s been in a 2 year relationship in the past and that girl cheated on her and it ended badly. So, from being a romantic and future driven lover, she’s changed. I have been giving her nothing but love and all the patience. What is missing? How do I make her see that I love her so much and want an amazing future with her? Help us.
-Short Sighted Girlfriend

Dear Short Sighted,
This is a common struggle for couples. As a relationship grows past the 1 year and 2 year marks, it often makes sense to start asking questions about what’s next. Although you sound quite committed and even ready to make a lifelong commitment to your partner, she seems hesitant. This contrast between your current desires for a more permanent commitment is likely also influenced by your ages. Since the average age for marriage is 26 for women, the further that you find yourself from that age the more pressure you or others may be placing on you for marriage.

Before you start forging forward with popping the question, it is important to ask yourself why you want marriage? By walking through this question including reflecting on yourself, your life, and your partner it can help you to lay the groundwork for explaining to her why you desire to be married. I would lovingly explain to her where you are in your life and why you desire to pursue marriage with her. The next steps are up to her.


Marriage isn’t for everyone but waiting may not be for you either.

-Dr. Ryan

Marriage is a substantial commitment and no one should enter that commitment without their own clear desire and motivation. If she still has strong doubt I wouldn’t push it. There are many things that may prevent her from wanting marriage in her life right now, including her past relationship experience.

I think it is fair to ask her what’s holding her back and to encourage her to be honest with you. You may not like what you hear but it would help you to better understand her heart and her thoughts about the future. If this is a deal breaker for you then you will have to make a difficult decision about what to do next. Marriage isn’t for everyone but waiting may not be for you either.
-Dr. Ryan

Dear Short Sighted,
Baggage is a bitch and we’ve all got some somewhere. For your girlfriend, the hesitancy in looking into the future may because she’s still guarding a broken heart over her last relationship. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. But it does mean that she may move slower and need continued reassurance in her relationship with you.

Why are you living apart? When you can’t see the ins and outs of day to day living together it’s sometimes hard to envision what the future may look like. Do you think that could be a factor in this for her?  How much longer do you plan to do the long distance dating gig? If you see yourself living the rest of your life with this person, coming up with a tentative plan for the future can’t hurt.

Continue giving her love and patience. Continue communicating to her that you see yourself married one day. Give her time. Time will show her love and security.
-Kate