Sex Site Betrayal

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Dear Hoopers,
I have been married for 2 months now and thought I had an honest and amazing relationship with my husband. We are perfect for each other or so I thought. I had been married before to a cruel and unfaithful man, my husband was engaged to a woman who cheated so being faithful and honesty was a prerequisite for us both right from the very start. A few weeks ago I was about to clear my browser history and I found a sign up page from an online sex site. I had heard of this site and it’s basically a hook up site for sex and the like. I knew it wasn’t me so I opened the log in and it opened an account. It was my husband. I can’t explain the feelings of utter betrayal and heartbreak I felt. He works away and I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I can’t talk to anyone I know about this but have no idea what I should do. He also set up up another email address. I have access to his other email address as I manage most of our accounts and bills as it’s hard for him when away at work so another email is just another secret. Do you have any advice for me as to how I should handle this? I wasn’t snooping, the history was on my phone, as he uses my Apple ID on his phone and it came through on mine. I’m in a constant state of nerves, anger and confusion. I trusted him with everything.
-Sex Site Betrayal

Dear Betrayal,
I am so sorry. Your husband has a serious problem and without a doubt is being dishonest. He created a separate email account? Unbelievable. I’m sure your mind is spinning with a myriad of questions. Is he sleeping with other women? How long has this been going on? Why would he do this to me? Two months into a marriage or ten years into a marriage, discovering something so unexpected by someone you love is heartbreaking.

What to do now? When you are ready you need to confront him. It’s going to be difficult, but you have to do it. The nerves, anger and confusion you feel will only begin to build if you repress them. He can either admit that he is in fact on these sites or he can deny. Have you thought about how you will handle his response? Some questions I would consider. If he did cheat, is the marriage over? If he denies that there was infidelity will you accept his answer? Is he willing to seek marital counseling or individual therapy if he admits he has a problem?


The nerves, anger and confusion you feel will only begin to build if you repress them.

-Kate

Trust can be rebuilt, but living with dishonesty will ruin a marriage. You are faced with a very difficult situation. I suggest coming up with a game plan on how to confront him and surrounding yourself with people you love including friends and family to support you along the way.
-Kate

 

Dear Betrayal,
You are in your first months of marriage and your husband’s shady and deceitful online activity has come to the surface. Given your past history with an unfaithful husband and the importance that you and your current husband placed on faithfulness early in your relationship, I’m sure that this has to be doubly painful.


The first thing you have to do is to find out more. A website visit isn’t assurance that he was unfaithful, so you need to figure out what happened and how long it has been going on. There are several different ways to go about collecting this information ranging from clear and transparent (asking him directly) to direct and assertive (doing independent research). I won’t tell you which way to go about it but you need information and you need it fast. I would spare no detail from myself in order to truly know who he is and what he has done. With the accurate information you can make an informed decision.


I would spare no detail from myself in order to truly know who he is and what he has done.

-Dr. Ryan

Once you have the specifics, it is up to you about what to do next. There is no easy way to move forward except to put yourself first and foremost in the decision process. If infidelity is an absolute deal breaker for you, you have every right to file for divorce as soon as you can. But also know that allowing yourself time to slow down to think through what you want for yourself and your future is a fair decision too.
-Dr. Ryan