Miscarriage Heartbroken

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Dear Hoopers,
I am a 25-year-old woman. I had a miscarriage four months ago. During my pregnancy my husband was awful to me. We fought a lot and it ended up in me losing the baby. He is a good husband and this fighting only started when I found out I was pregnant. He supported me throughout the grieving process but I started to lose interest in my marriage.

Just when I was able to fall in love with my husband again I fell in love with another man. He has been married for 6 months now and also have no children yet. His wife and I are good friends and we visit each other frequently. This man has also fallen in love with me and we speak each and every day- except over weekends and at night time when we are with our partners. I really care for him dearly and know most of his past- which is rough. However I do not think he is emotionally in this as me, he loves my body and makes me feel good. We have been going about this “relationship” for 2 months now but we have not had sex yet… we speak about it a lot but we have only kissed before. I do not know what to do, if we do not speak I really feel down and depressed. But I know this can’t go on forever. And this whole situation is SO not me and against my belief.
-Miscarriage Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,
I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I’m not sure if you and your husband were planning for a pregnancy, but the loss can still be incredibly difficult. It sounds as though you both approached this loss as a grieving process and that he attempted to be supportive during that time. Unfortunately, this was following him being awful during your pregnancy. By the way, why was he such a jerk? Even if this was an unexpected pregnancy, he could have gotten past the surprise and been supportive. This is a major concern to me and I would suspect a major barrier to a healthy marriage. If you two make a future effort to reconcile, processing through this conflict will be key.

It sounds like you are making a direct connection between the fights with your husband and your miscarriage. As long as we’re talking about verbal fights, which I assume we are, then I’m not sure that this connection is fair to either of you. Stress can certainly play a part in a miscarriage, but there are many factors that can contribute. Identifying a direct connection is placing too much blame on your marriage.

You are looking to this new guy to heal your pain but this would only be a false cure.

-Dr. Ryan

To move forward in healing your marriage, you and your husband need some serious support. I’m sure that the conflict you experienced during pregnancy was quite hurtful to you. This likely contributed to you looking somewhere else for love. You need and deserve healing from this loss and this incredibly difficult period in your life, but know that having an affair with another married person will only double your pain.

You would almost certainly look back on that decision with regret. Perhaps there is a 1% chance that this new guy is the special man for you, but that is extremely unlikely. He is married and you are married. You are looking to this new guy to heal your pain but this would only be a false cure. If you know that this can’t go on forever, end it now before you go any further. Instead, focus on doing the extremely difficult work of uniting with your husband and processing through your past pain. This work is much harder but can be worth it in the long run.
-Dr. Ryan

Dear Heartbroken,
I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I can only imagine that you are going through quite an emotional battle right now. During your pregnancy you did not feel supported by your husband. You did not have the love and encouragement you expected. Instead it sounds like he was quite ugly. Then the miscarriage happens, and while he may have offered some support, it wasn’t enough for your gaping loss.

You said that this whole situation is not you and against what you believe. So why are you partaking in a relationship with a married man? Anytime something important is taken away from us, we may grieve. And that grieving process can trigger a myriad of confusing emotions and behaviors. From what you’ve described this is not normal behavior for you. Have you considered this to be an emotionally unhealthy reaction? It’s not wrong to want to feel love and want to be comforted in this time of loss. But where will you get that from? I encourage you to take time to process your loss. Seek out support groups and other women who have been through a similar experience.

That grieving process can trigger a myriad of confusing emotions and behaviors.


You know in your gut having a relationship with this other man isn’t right. You’ve already said this can’t go on forever. So end it. End it now before you really regret it. Take time to focus on yourself and get the support you need to help process your loss. Does that mean getting more support from your husband? Then let him know you need him. Work on communication and investing in making your relationship better rather than filling this void with unhealthy behavior. You will get through this.