My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me But We Still Live Together

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Dear Hoopers,
My girlfriend broke up with me about 5 months ago, but we have decided to live together for the time being until we sell our house that we bought together. She says that she just feels that she doesn’t like the way her life in general is and that she lost passion in our relationship. Throughout the 5 months it was a good relationship so I thought that we would get back together, that is until she started seeing this guy. She told me that it was a one-time thing and that she would never see the guy again. For some reason even though we are broken up it still hurt knowing that she was with another guy. One evening, with some alcohol involved, I asked her to get back together and she says she will need to think about it and that she needs time. Should I just move on with my life or should I stick around and see if she’ll come around?
-My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me But We Still Live Together

Dear We Still Live Together,
Tough stuff. Sorry to hear about the breakup. It sounds like you both have some soul searching to do before getting back together, if that is even an option. Living together is tricky in this situation and I would encourage you both to look at options of living separately during this time. Why? It gives you both mental and physical space to process the breakup and consider what the future looks like with or without one another.

Did you ask her to get back together because of the alcohol induction or was it genuine? Often when someone else enters the picture romantically when we have not moved on, it can bring up feelings of jealousy and pain. It’s important to recognize that those intense emotions may be fueling an unrealistic reaction of wanting her back as your girlfriend. It’s also important to define what being broken up means for your relationship. Are you both free to date other people?


It’s also important to define what being broken up means for your relationship.

-Kate

Listen to her when she says that she doesn’t like her life right now. Why? If she’s in a time of distress, then it’s important to offer up a listening ear about what’s going on in her life and her reasons for the breakup. Are there areas that you can see improving upon?

If you feel like this woman is someone you see a future with then it’s worth investing in getting the help and resources you need to make improvements. If you feel like the timing is wrong and that you both aren’t on the same page anymore, it may be time to move on. What do you want? Communicate that clearly to her.
-Kate

Dear We Still Live Together,
You should find some space for yourself, quickly. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to cut her off, but this situation sounds like a dam that’s about to break. I’m afraid that the breaking will be her committing to a new man while you guys are still living together. Perhaps that wouldn’t feel like the end of the world for you, but I know that would be difficult to see.

Breaking up is hard to do, and it’s complicated when there is a long history together and a house involved in the process. Once a partner has lost their passion and commitment to the relationship, the other partner should take some steps to protect their heart. Often that includes some time and space while the other person figures things out. Many couples don’t find that space and they end up teetering back and forth in a confusing state of limbo. While in theory this can work out, it almost never does.


I would encourage you to embrace this fresh start and see what it brings you.

-Dr. Ryan

Unfortunately, that space is difficult to find right now since you are still living in your shared home. I’m not sure how much longer until you can sell your home, but it sounds like both of you would be better off in your own space. I would encourage you to embrace this fresh start and see what it brings you. Although I wouldn’t be overly dependent on the idea of getting back together, perhaps it will happen in due time. Remember that absence (can) make the heart grow fonder.
-Dr. Ryan