Fell Out of Love with Mr. Perfect

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Dear Hoopers,
I’ve been with the most supportive, kind, honest man for about a year and a half. He is sweet and loves me more than anything in the world (which he likes to remind me). I’ve fallen out of love with Mr. Perfect and I don’t know what to do. I could picture a future with him but for a while now all I can think about is how I’m unhappy and so lost. I feel like I don’t remember who I really am and because he hasn’t done anything wrong, I feel like I’m going to irrevocably break his heart into a million tiny pieces. We are fundamentally different, which makes it hard for me, but he doesn’t think the differences are a big enough deal. I know it isn’t fair to him to try and pretend, but I don’t know how to cut ties with the person who should be everything I want and need. I am sad, and lonely and discouraged. I don’t think he sees it coming. How do I respectfully and honestly break up with Mr. Perfect? What do I say? How do I make my health a priority?
-Fell Out of Love with Mr. Perfect

Dear Fell Out of Love,
He seems like he should be everything you need and want but he isn’t. This isn’t his fault, this isn’t your fault. The heart wants what it wants and if you aren’t feeling committed to the future of this relationship you should end it. No one has ever looked back and been thankful for the extra few months they spent in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. You deserve to give yourself the opportunity to figure things out on your own.

Your concerns about hurting his feelings are real and should be considered here. You two have shared the last year and a half of your lives together and that should be honored. I think it’s okay to appreciate the time that you have spent together while also recognizing that you need to leave the relationship. To delay this any longer isn’t doing yourself or him any justice.


He will be hurt but will respect your honesty towards him.

-Dr. Ryan

I believe it is fair to share some of your fear and concern about ending this relationship with him. But be careful so that you don’t communicate in an emotionally ambiguous way that drags him along. Be clear, be caring. He will be hurt but will respect your honesty towards him.

Next, be sure to take care of yourself. The emotional wake of this break up may be freeing but will likely also open up some free space in your heart that may desire some filling up. Seek healthy things to put there. Be intentional about using this space to seek direction and healing for yourself. One day your heart will thank you.
-Dr. Ryan

Dear Fell Out of Love,
There is no way to sugar coat a breakup. It hurts. It won’t feel good. It is often dreaded and played over and over in our minds. You will most likely experience guilt for hurting him when you break up, but you will also feel relief.

Sometimes Mr. Perfect just isn’t the one and it makes no sense. It can be confusing when everything seems like you should be happy. If you find yourself in pretend mode and going through the motions without feeling the feels, something isn’t right. You are trusting your heart here and your life isn’t going to end when you break up. His life won’t either.


Free to pursue your health, new adventures and reflect on what you want to be different in the next relationship.

-Kate

In many ways you may feel like you’ve been set free. Free to pursue your health, new adventures and reflect on what you want to be different in the next relationship. This isn’t to say you won’t have doubt or occasional regret after the breakup. Just remind yourself how you feel now. You said it. You’ve “fallen out of love.”

You’ve come to terms with this and well dear, it’s time. There are no scripts. There are no perfectly chosen words. Speak from your heart, genuinely and respectfully. And remember, love can’t be forced even with Mr. Perfect.
-Kate