Falling Too Fast

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Dear Hoopers,
I believe I have a tendency to fall in love very quickly. There’s a lady who works at a store down the street from me. While we’ve only had one “conversation” concerning job openings, I found myself falling for her. I wrote her a note telling her how I felt, even throwing basic information about myself and my email address. I dropped it off at the store, asking a coworker to give it to her. After waiting all weekend and not hearing anything, I’m beginning to think that she thinks I’m weird or that I moved too fast. This isn’t the first time this has happened and I just wish I knew how to stop getting myself into these situations. How do I do that?
-Falling Too Fast

Dear Falling Too Fast,
Love is a powerful thing, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re experiencing. Your feelings do sound pretty powerful though. One minute you’re talking job openings and the next minute you’re dropping off love notes. Perhaps a good intention, but likely too soon and too strong. Regardless of what feelings you’re having, it sounds as though they may be leading you in an unhelpful direction.

How have these feelings functioned for you in the past? For example, if your feelings for others grow very quickly and then change very quickly, it might be important for you to find ways to be more stable and grounded in your feelings. Perhaps important caretakers in your past have been unstable, which has made it difficult for you to be grounded. You may find readings on distress tolerance or mindfulness helpful.


Perhaps a good intention, but likely too soon and too strong.

-Dr. Ryan

Regarding your approach to dating, it sounds like it may be time to try something new. Since on this occasion you found yourself seeking out someone when they weren’t necessarily interested, it may be smart to start out on an equal playing field.

Online dating may be an option to consider since it allows consent to be established before seeking out a date and may make it easier for you to get to know someone before meeting them. Apps like bumble allow women to be the one to establish contact to give them even more equal footing in the process. Regardless of what approach you take in dating, know that patience will be an important virtue.
-Dr. Ryan

Dear Falling Too Fast,
The heart is fickle. There is nothing wrong with falling in love, but if you continue to strike out, it may be time to revise your courtship routine.

Were there signs during the conversation that made you feel there was chemistry between the two of you? Do you find that you fall fast when you are being noticed? There is certainly a distinction between someone being nice and someone expressing signs of romantic interest. If you are having difficulty telling the difference between the two, I suggest taking time to learn more about body language, which can help you pick up on signs of mutual attraction.


The best way to discover if you have chemistry with someone is to get to know them.

-Kate

The best way to discover if you have chemistry with someone is to get to know them. In one conversation that is hard to determine. Have you thought about asking any of these love interests to coffee, or out on a date? Writing notes and sweet messages to someone with reciprocal feelings can be a romantic form of communication. You shouldn’t waste these sweet gestures on just anyone!
-Kate