My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years and dated for about 6 before taking the big step. He’s a wonderful man, treats me like a princess and I’m certain I couldn’t have chosen a better partner for me and I’m extremely positive that he is, indeed, the one. He’s very caring, compassionate, effective, hardworking and humble. We do have discussions every now and then over small, trivial things and it’s probably worth mentioning that we always work things out in the end.
Last week while doing some house work, my phone’s battery died on me while I was on the phone with a customer service lady following up my case of a purchase gone wrong so she asked me to log in to my account on their website. My husband’s laptop was there so I figured there wouldn’t be any problem If I used it so I started typing this site’s url and the first suggestion was his ex’s Facebook profile. I finished the call and, unrightfully so, invaded my husband’s privacy by checking his browsing history. Turns out he visits her profile pretty often, about 3-4 times per week. His URLs showed he also went to her photos and saw a good amount of them. I felt very upset and this incident led me to grab his phone while he was in the shower and noticed her instagram account was his top suggested profile, which means he’s a regular visitor there too.
I suck at pretending everything’s fine and he’s noticed it. I’m acting distant and cold and he has asked me over 1000 times what’s the matter with me. He has tried scoring extra points (bringing flowers, doing extra chores, cooking dinner) but I just can’t let go of this, especially because when we first met, he was still kind of “seeing” her, but were already split up at the moment and the only time we ever broke up, was because of him not being able to distance himself enough from this chick. He knows those were some really awful moments for me and how I feel towards her. I’m in a huge dilemma now because as much as I’d like to talk it out, I know he won’t be happy with me going through his stuff and the worst part of it all, is that I know the truth of him not being over her. This has completely scared me and I fear the beautifully-built trust we have is now cracked, if not shattered.
-Facebook Stalking his Ex-Girlfriend
Dear Stalking his Ex-Girlfriend,
What an unpleasant surprise to unearth. I can only imagine after 8 years you are feeling betrayed and shaken. I would too. This isn’t a rare one-off search. As you’ve discovered it’s frequent and on several social media sites.
In the world of social media, you are one click away from knowing an ex’s whereabouts or stalking a former love interest. With that said, it’s his decision to look. The question here is, why is he looking at his ex-girlfriend from almost a decade ago so frequently?
It’s his decision to look.
You said that he’s a wonderful man, treats you like a princess, and is caring, compassionate, hardworking and humble. These are wonderful relationship characteristics and you value them. This new discovery was a bit of a heart wrecker, but it doesn’t mean that he’s in love with her. He chose you. He chose to leave her for you. He chose to marry you.
There definitely seems to be an unhealthy infatuation with his ex-girlfriend that should be addressed. Talk to him honestly and let him know what you discovered. Be prepared for a reaction to snooping on his personal computer and take ownership of this. The beautifully built trust you have together is not shattered. It’s always a work in progress. This was a hiccup that can be overcome through you expressing concern and him taking the action steps to help build your trust back.
Dear Stalking his Ex-Girlfriend,
Spying on his computer and phone is bad, but it happened. At this point, there is no turning back what you did. Most importantly there is no turning back what you learned about your husband. He is stalking his ex-girlfriend through social media and it has serious implications for where his heart and head is at. You have to get honest with him about what you did, what you learned, and how this has impacted your feelings and trust.
His obsession with this woman has been a struggle since the beginning of your relationship. Even though this obsession put your relationship at risk in the past, he has still found a way to return his attention to her. This is unhealthy for him and unfair to you. He may be a great guy and may be committed to you, but if he doesn’t leave this woman and his obsession behind he will sink your marriage.
He may be a great guy and may be committed to you, but if he doesn’t leave this woman and his obsession behind he will sink your marriage.
You two had built strong trust over your 6 years of dating and 2 plus years of marriage. That trust certainly has been strained from this incident but it doesn’t have to be shattered. The first step comes from you and then the next steps come from him.
First, you need to reveal what you found and how badly this hurts you. Next, he needs to do what it takes to distance himself from her and to prove it to you that he did it. Unfriending and unfollowing her would be a start. He may feel as though that is unnecessary but when it’s time to save your marriage, he should do what it takes.