I’ve been having issues with my boyfriend talking to another woman. I noticed it awhile ago when she came to a concert we were at…and you know how sometimes you just get a bad feeling about someone? Anyway, I could see something in the body language, the way they were talking to one another, and the fact that he was kind of out of character, rude and dismissive with me in front of her. We got into a fight about a week later, and he had a night out the “the boys”. He admitted to me later that he ran into her at the baseball game and invited her out to the bar with them that night. He never told about me about this, until about a month later I noticed she was texting him. I got upset and asked him why this is going on. Seeing that name coming up was just this gutting feeling – feeling of confirmation of my worries. Anyway, he told me that they don’t talk, she contacts him sometimes and he doesn’t respond.
Fast forward to last week and I was sitting in front of his computer and she messages him at 1am asking where he is, along with that comes the history of the messages. I find out that he’s lied to me about the amount of contact they’ve been having. He had deleted most of their messages off his cell phone, but they were still living on the computer. He has tried to assure me that nothings going on, and that she’s pursuing him. I asked him if he could politely send her a quick message and let her know he’s flattered but it’s getting inappropriate and that it’s bothering me. He wouldn’t do this. I feel like most boyfriends would. I took it upon myself and sent her a message myself. It was polite, there was no crazy anger or name calling, etc. Just that I know she’s been writing my boyfriend and it’s not cool. When he found out I had done that he flipped out and broke up with me. I don’t understand why I’m the bad guy for standing up for myself.
-Dropped for Another Woman
Dear Dropped for Another Woman,
You had a feeling from the get go that that this other person was up to no good; that she was pursuing your boyfriend although she knew that he already was taken. Every step along the way seemed to confirm this theory, until your ex-boyfriend had no choice but to make a choice. He chose her.
There is no way around this but to say that he was a jerk and not worth your time. Perhaps she was pursuing him, but that really is no excuse. Turning down pursuers is one of the basic premises of being in a relationship. The moment you realized that he had lied about his contact with her and actively attempted to cover it up on his phone, you knew everything you needed to know.
I understand the motivation to want to fight away this pursuer but know that you should never have to set boundaries on behalf of other people
I understand the motivation to want to fight away this pursuer but know that you should never have to set boundaries on behalf of other people. It may seem to be a solution but it’s only empowering more problems. Walk away knowing that even if this relationship would have survived this conflict, it was a sign of more to come. Know that all men are not this way and no one deserves to be put on the back burner while something else is cooking. He may grow and mature from this process, but you deserve better.
Dear Dropped for Another Woman,
You are not the bad guy for standing up for yourself. It was necessary. Had nothing been going on between the two of them, the over-reactive breakup would not have happened. Your worries were confirmed. Multiple deleted messages and run-ins with this woman does not make her just another woman. She seems to have been very present in his life.
Respect yourself for addressing the situation maturely. You presented multiple opportunities for him to discuss the situation. Some may argue that the text you sent was inappropriate, but I believe that it gave you the information that you needed. You might have still been coasting along in this relationship not knowing the truth of what was going on. Had there been nothing to this other woman, he would not have “flipped out” over the message that you sent.
Some may argue that the text you sent was inappropriate, but I believe that it gave you the information that you needed.
Do you want to be with a person who sneakily deletes messages from other women and lies about his whereabouts? Sometimes it’s hard to find the silver lining, but I think in this case it was learning to trust your gut. The body language that you witnessed between the two of them early on was the first indication for concern and you sensed that. Move on knowing you’ve done the right thing.