Crazy and Obsessed

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Dear Hoopers,
It will be hard for anyone to understand or take this problem seriously but indeed it has turned into a big problem. My story is a bit similar to a comedy show crazy ex-girlfriend. Three years ago, my friend started having a crush on guy who is 5 years older than her; mysterious and and handsome. She was able to find him on facebook, but was too hesitant to reach out, so I did through her account. I helped her contact him and they both became friends. Whenever she got stuck in the middle of their conversation I was her mediator. Because of this guy, our friendship has grown from just friends to her becoming my best friend through this process.

Now it has been 3 years and although she confessed her crush to him, he is happy remaining friends. But we still obsess over him. All the time. I love hearing about him and enjoy listening to her talk about his life. I do not personally have feelings for him, but am confused why I remain obsessed. I’m beginning to realize our shared obsession is turning a bit crazy. We’ve even lost friends because they got fed up with us obsessing over this guy. Are we crazy? Help!
-Crazy and Obsessed

Dear Crazy and Obsessed,
It is obvious that you enjoy spending time with your friend, and greatly value her friendship. It is also apparent that a light has gone off leading you to believe that compulsive conversations over “this guy” may not be healthy. Am I right?

You aren’t crazy, but damn girl, three years is a long time to be hovering over a computer hoping to see a relationship bloom. Haven’t you gotten bored? There are so many other fish in the sea! And way too many dating apps making the potential of love more readily available. And I’m not just talking about your friend, what about you?

Tackle it like the breaking of a habit or a new resolution


Tackle it like the breaking of a habit or a new resolution. Disconnect and do not make yourself available. That’s right, LOG OFF. Instead of signing into FB messenger with your friend to chat with this guy, go pursue another interest. I’m sure in these three years you all have had some conversations about other interests? Define a few. If you put your brainpower together I am confident that you can use your powers to pursue something with greater life enrichment.

Dear Crazy and Obsessed,
You were just trying to help a friend out. Just trying to be her voice when she couldn’t be. But you got caught up and obsessed. It makes sense that this obsession brought you two together. The concept of propinquity suggests that physical proximity or common interests bring people together. Before you and your girlfriend went on this journey, you were just friends. Through the process of thinking about him, talking about him, and scheming to land him, you were bonded together. The challenge now is how can you and your friend be more than just a guy obsession?

Although this was fun for a while, this obsession has run it’s course. Your time is worth more than just talking about this guy and continuing to talk about him probably isn’t moving your life forward. Listen to that feeling that you’re having and to your friends who were giving you a hard time. I might start by going back to those same friends and following their lead on what interests them. If you and your girlfriend absolutely can’t find anything else to talk about, there are always other guys.
-Dr. Ryan