Booty Call on Hold

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Dear Hoopers,
I dated a guy for about a year. We have an amazing connection. Admittedly I think we both took things too fast, which is why the relationship ended the way it did. 2 months ago we broke up. It was my decision to break up, because he had done something that I’d asked him/warned him not to do, and I caught him doing it a second time. Since the break up, and about a month and a half of almost zero contact, we’ve talked a bit. I had confessed recently that despite what he had done, I still had feelings for him, and asked him if he wanted to try to work things out. His response was “there is a lot that I miss about us, I will admit that. But I made the decision not to try again, and it is what it is.” in the same breath he went on to say: “but I cannot stop thinking about the sex we had.” Then he started descriptively naming the things he missed about me, my body, and our sex life.

I miss him a lot, and the sex was unreal, so originally I told him that if that’s all we could do, then I was down… but the more I think about it, the more terrified I am to go through with it. I want a real relationship with him, and I believe that he does miss me, he’s just unable to commit right now. Keeping my self worth, and hope in mind, what is the best thing for me to do? He talks a big game over text message, but any time I’ve been in front of him he has crumbled and confessed his life sucks without me and comes crawling back… do I sleep with him? (I should make it clear that we haven’t slept together at all since we broke up. I have been holding out thus far) If a relationship is what I want with him, what is the absolute best way for me to play my cards? Is it ok for me to tell him I’ve changed my mind about a strictly sexual relationship because my feelings for him are still too strong? Will that better the chances of him pursuing the “chase”?
-Booty Call on Hold

Dear Booty Call on Hold,
You set a boundary with him requesting him not to do something, which he kept doing. After this break up, you then vulnerably put yourself out there to pursue the relationship again to which he says he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend, but only sex. Not exactly the best start to a fruitful relationship, but let’s keep talking.

I am quite curious about this thing that you warned him not to do. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, this could affect the way he interpreted your break up with him. If he felt like your reasoning was unjustified, perhaps he was hurt and doesn’t want to allow himself to be hurt again. If this is the case, you should talk with him about the breakup to better describe your reasons for breaking up and why your feelings are in a different place now.


If a relationship is what you want, know that a booty call will likely be that and nothing more.

-Dr. Ryan

However, in the very likely event that you set a reasonable boundary with him that he violated multiple times, his response to your outreach is concerning. Sure, it’s appetizing to reignite the physical intimacy you two shared. Sure, it’s nice to hear the way he feels about your body. If all you want is a booty call, that’s a decision that you can make. However, if a relationship is what you want, know that a booty call will likely be that and nothing more.
-Dr. Ryan

Dear Booty Call on Hold,
Sleeping with your ex-boyfriend is not going to bring him back. In fact, it may make the waters more murky for any potential relationship with him. Breaking up is hard and it sounds like you are still emotionally invested in the relationship. Your physical chemistry accentuates those feelings; as does the brief time you’ve been apart.

You stated that you want a “real relationship with him,” but you initiated the breakup. What was the cause? Is what you caught him doing something you can now tolerate him doing again or is it a deal breaker? It’s easy to get wrapped up in missing someone. It’s easy to get wrapped up in physically missing someone. It’s not easy being alone but will you be satisfied with the relationship if he does whatever he did that caused you to break up with him the first time again?


Do you want to spend your energy on having sex or getting the relationship back?

-Kate

Feeling burned doesn’t help this either. You broke up with him with mixed emotions and then extended a feel check, where he indicated he was no longer interested in investing in the relationship. That can sting. It can also make you rethink your decision.

Do you want to spend your energy on having sex or getting the relationship back? It’s possible that they work simultaneously if you are both on the same page, but if he’s only interested in an occasional booty call, it will be hard to address any emotional difficulties between you. I advise taking a step back to consider your end goal with him, taking into consideration that you are in a delicate frame of mind.
-Kate