Betrayed by Bestie

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Dear Hoopers,
I’m feeling conflicted about things. One of the more serious boyfriends I ever had, broke up with me about 6 months ago. He didn’t cheat on me and our breakup wasn’t ugly, but he definitely broke my heart. The bigger problem came when one of my best girlfriends since childhood started dating him afterwards. They didn’t start dating right away and they both swore that their relationship had nothing to do with our breakup but it’s all questionable. The only reason my boyfriend ever even met her was through me. Their relationship was somewhat short-lived but it badly damaged my relationship with Sarah. Their pictures were all over social media and I felt betrayed. Now since their break up, Sarah has been reaching back out to me. She hasn’t made any apologies but has asked me several times to go to coffee or for drinks with her. I have mostly ignored her responses or just come up with excuses. I’m just not sure that I can trust her again.
-Betrayed by Bestie

Dear Betrayed by Bestie,
Bad on both of them. What a disappointing situation all around. Breakups are when you need your besties the most. She wasn’t there. He wasn’t there. They were together. Oh the drama!  Short-lived or not, it’s recent history and directly followed your breakup. It was selfish, and inconsiderate.

When your friend started dating your ex, she should have acknowledged that there was a good chance of losing your friendship. It’s tough enough seeing someone you love, love someone else. Finding out that the new person is your best friend? Heart ripped out. How horribly confusing. If time had passed, you had moved on and this friend came to you and asks your permission to date an ex, it may possibly be different. But even if you give your friend your blessings the dynamics of the friendship will most likely change.

When your friend started dating your ex, she should have acknowledged that there was a good chance of losing your friendship.


What do you need to help you move past this? Is it speaking truth to your friend on how disappointing and devastating this was for you? Is it breaking communications lines with her? You don’t have to see her. You don’t have to let her back into your life. You don’t have to communicate with her.

Your friendship may never be the same again. It’s a hard thing to grasp, but so is finding out that your once upon a time best friend was your ex-boyfriend’s rebound. Close doors or open communication lines as needed.

Dear Betrayed by Bestie,
It’s hard enough to see your ex-boyfriend moving on without you. Not only were you recovering from the loss of your boyfriend, but then you had to question if your girlfriend may have contributed to your break up. Even if she had nothing to do with it, it is tough to cope with the possibility of her benefitting from your relationship loss.

The heart might be fickle but friends shouldn’t be. I think you are well within your rights to keep your distance from her. Life is too short to be thrown to the curb for a guy. I wouldn’t advise bitterness or hard feelings but know that she showed you part of who she is when she dated your ex-boyfriend so soon after your breakup and without even talking to you first. In the event that you want to give her a second chance, remind yourself that the burden of the defense is on her. She definitely messed up and she needs to do her part to repair her relationship with you.

The heart might be fickle but friends shouldn’t be.

-Dr. Ryan

If I were you, I would have a heart to heart with her and see how she responds. Be honest about how she hurt you and how you felt betrayed. If she can respond accordingly and can genuinely match your heartfelt conviction about this, then you two just might have a chance. If she becomes defensive or tries to play the whole thing cool, she is showing you who she is. Step away from the friendship and don’t look back.
-Dr. Ryan

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