Baffled by No Reply

Submit your questions for Dear Hoopers here 

Dear Hoopers,
I met a girl online and we hit it off pretty good. After a month of talking we finally met at a hotel after we both drove over 100 miles to meet one another. We slept in the same bed and I was a gentleman during the night. The next morning things were different with embracing each other and giving her a massage after a hot bath. We talked for awhile before having to check out at noon. We also took some pictures together. She asked to see them and in doing so she  came across labeled pictures of other women that I had on my phone. She didn’t say anything about this when she saw them.

When we went to breakfast at a nearby café, she talked about her ex who cheated on her during their 10 year relationship. I didn’t want to dwell on it because I felt she was bitter. We sat in the café about 20-30 min after the table was cleared, then we went and got in the car and drove back to her car and sat for about an hour before leaving for our 2 hr drive in opposite directions. We talked later that evening and the next 2 days. On the 3rd day, I get an early morning text (5 am) stating the pics in my phone triggered something and she couldn’t talk about it. She wrote, “To see my photo and name in a series of women in your phone brought back entirely too much old stuff and too much for me. I shut down the minute I realized I was one of several women. It was the worst thing given my history. Remove my name from your phone and that will fix it, Good night”. That was the last I heard from her 11 days ago. I have sent texts and called and no reply. Can you explain or offer an insight on what I should do.
-Baffled by No Reply

Dear Baffled by No Reply,
So the date was going well until she came upon your gallery of other women? This is surprising? This gallery has a twinge of obsessiveness mixed with a ‘notch on your belt’ vibe. Not a good look if you are seeking a legitimate, long-term relationship. I’m not saying that you did anything wrong here, but it sounds a little odd. Why exactly do you have a bunch of labeled photos of women in your phone? Perhaps you really like to be organized but this photo gallery has a peculiar quality to it that could scare people away. Unless you go on so many dates that you can’t keep up with everyone, I would drop the gallery immediately.

Since you didn’t mention in your question that these other women were just friends, I will assume that you had recently or were dating them at the time of this date. There are no clear rules on how forthcoming you should be about dating other people early in a relationship, but know that you may receive a negative reaction when your date finds out. It will be up to you to decide if this approach is working for you.


Unless you go on so many dates that you can’t keep up with everyone, I would drop the gallery immediately

-Dr. Ryan

Given the experience that she had in her last relationship, I’m not surprised that she distanced herself from you the way that she did. She has been hurt and needed to protect herself. I would encourage you to respect her request of deleting her name and would give her the space that she needs. If she hasn’t replied in 11 days, I think it is safe to say that she has moved on and you should too.
-Dr. Ryan

Dear Baffled by No Reply,
A month of talking, a long drive to meet one another, a night spent together. Now this? Well crap, that didn’t work out the way you had envisioned. Listen, instead of beating yourself up over trying to figure out why she won’t respond, give yourself a break.  She flaked and now you are giving her the benefit of the doubt.

The pictures of other women on your phone most likely triggered some emotional insecurity. Because she communicated that she had been in an unfaithful relationship previously, the images of other women may have caused a resurgence of angst. Maybe she was under the impression you weren’t talking to anyone else?  Did you all discuss seeing other people? I’m interested in what the communication between you both was leading up to seeing each other. It sounds like she was caught off guard.


Maybe she’s battling some past demons or maybe she just didn’t feel you.

-Kate

Online dating is a matchmaking database. It’s no cupid. If you’ve tried calling and texting with no reply, I wouldn’t spin your wheels. Maybe she’s battling some past demons or maybe she just didn’t feel you. It’s okay. Dating is sometimes more about process of elimination. If you choose to reach out again, tell her that you genuinely enjoyed your time with her and would welcome another chance to see her. If communication is not returned, move on.
-Kate