Addicted to Destruction


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Dear Hoopers,
I think there is something wrong with me, but I’ve noticed a weird pattern that consists of me pushing good guys away from me and clinging to bad ones instead. There is this super chaotic on and off relationship that I’m quite hooked to, for a long, long period of time (years). Every time me or him try to go away, we end up going back to each other. Now, this guy that I’m “addicted to” is basically a sociopath with self-destructive tendencies. I know the path that I’m drawn to with him, is a black hole with dead ends because he is bad. The only other guy that has ever aroused real attention from me, was this other dude that I knew from school. But, it turns out that he had a girlfriend while hitting on me. Not to mention that I did a little research on his past and found cheating and lots of broken hearts were a part of it. Yet, I felt a nice connection with him and I know he felt it with me too. But we can’t change other people, can we?

My problem is, there have been other nice guys who have shown interest in me, and looks like I love to push them away. But not before I make them fall for me a little. It’s not something I do on purpose and I honestly hate hurting people, so this is why I’m lost. My “modus operandi” is opening up to them, talk every day…and then…I disappear and simply start ignoring them and their messages. Then heaven knows why, they try even harder then. They usually write me a sweet message pouring their hearts out and saying a bunch of nice things about me. They even tend to apologize because they think they did something wrong. Some might think that I love the attention and the feeling of being “wanted”, but truth is, I really don’t care about all that. I’ve had this behavior for quite a while now. “Ghosting” is what I do.

I’m worried about this weird pattern of mine, because I really fear ending up in a destructive marriage or so. Sometimes I feel like I need adrenaline or some sort of drama in my relationships to feel like it’s real, but now I strongly feel like there is something wrong with me. Why do I love to play with fire so much, and get so uncomfortable when good people want to approach me? Thank you for your words.
-Addicted to Destruction

Dear Addicted to Destruction,
It looks like you’ve fallen into a vicious cycle of bad dating patterns. And let’s be honest, there is thrill in the spontaneity and adventure of a bad boy. As you’ve discovered however, these relationships are complicated by a myriad of issues and they never end well. Breaking good boy’s hearts is a thrill ride too. Even though it may not be on purpose, you have admitted that “adrenaline or some sort of drama” is leading you to these pursuits. I really think it comes down to deciding what you want.

Do you want to be in a relationship right now? It sounds like you are having fun in the dating scene. That is perfectly fine! If that’s the case, be transparent with these guys. Let them know that you aren’t looking for a serious relationship. On the other hand, if you are seeking a serious relationship, determine what characteristics you are looking for in a partner. Maybe a happy medium of good guy with bad boy adventure? Make a list. Think about it.


Maybe a happy medium of good guy with bad boy adventure?

-Kate

Be honest with yourself if the relationship isn’t leading in the right direction so you can back out without getting to the point of ghosting. And also be honest with yourself about feeling “wanted.” We all want to feel wanted, but if we feel a void in ourselves, it’s easier to look to empty love and space holders to fill it.

If you feel like this is a continuous pattern, give yourself a dating break. Allow yourself some time to reflect on past relationships and figure out what you are looking for. More than anything spend time on yourself. Once you feel you are in your best skin, you will attract the same.
-Kate

Dear Addicted to Destruction,
You can see the writing on the wall. Your pattern is to dump the good guy and seek out the bad guy. The liars, the cheats, the sociopaths. This path is headed for destruction and you know it. The problem is that you almost feel like you can’t do anything about it. The good guys just don’t seem to do anything for you. They are boring and can’t get your heart rate going. You’re right, this does sound like a problem.

I have 2 ideas for you. My first hypothesis is that your problem lies within you. I think there is a part of you that believes you don’t deserve a good relationship. This belief isn’t on the surface but is a little deeper, which is why you initially seek out a good guy and then have second thoughts later. A little voice inside of you begins to tell you that the good guy is going to reject you. So instead you reject them before they can do it to you. To quiet this voice, you will have to travel back to where it all started. Tell yourself that you deserve good things and a good relationship. You are a good person and deserve good people in your life.


I think there is a part of you that believes you don’t deserve a good relationship.

-Dr. Ryan

My second hypothesis is that you just haven’t found the RIGHT good guy yet. You need excitement but remember that excitement comes in many forms. Interpersonal drama is a cheap thrill. It may be exciting at times but will leave you hurt and broken in the end. Find a good guy with an exciting life. I’m not sure what that might look like for you but it is time to try something new.
-Dr. Ryan